An ancient Chinese proverb tells us, “A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark.” We cannot teach our children self-esteem. We can only help them discover it within themselves by adding positive marks and strokes on their slates. My own belief is that we’re all born with as much potential as we’ll ever have, but that early years can squeeze out feelings of self-worth and self-esteem like an electric juicer. Most psychologists say it starts in infancy, when parents are or are not able to respond appropriately to a baby’s needs and reflect back to the baby that they see, respond to, and accept the baby as he or she really is. Tiny infants can be made to feel that their demands are excessive, burdensome, not worthy of full attention, and can respond by asking for and, worse, expecting less. Comparison is only part of the equation, and this begins as soon as they’re old enough to hear parents, peers, and teachers compare them with others. Once started, the erosion of self-esteem often picks up speed in high school. In training videos I produce within various high schools and colleges, some students slump in their chairs, staring at their hands. Others reveal how little they think of themselves (as well as their fellow students) by interrupting with "cute" remarks or boisterous chatter. The attempts to hide a fragile self-image are most obvious among those who affect the cool look or who display disdain. And, of course, bullying by cruel students both in school and via the Internet can have devastating, long term effects on students who don’t fit into the “cool” category.
I remember my own youth, how eager we were to belong to the "in" group. Sometimes I went to extremes, clowning around in efforts to impress the most popular girls and boys. I felt wonderful when I was accepted, distraught when I was ignored or rejected. With the greater emphasis today on material and physical appearances, young people seem even more driven to vie for their peers’ attention and recognition, as if buying or crashing their way into the winner’s circle were the key to the good life. However, there’s a critical difference between having to prove yourself—wanting to be the best to make up for inadequate self-esteem—and seeking to manifest inner worth and value, being your best for the pure exhilaration of excellence. We all struggle with these two forms of expression, myself included. One reason I’ve spent much of my adult life studying human behavior is that I want answers to the questions for myself, especially the difference between winners and losers—about which I had cause to wonder early in my own youth.
All positive motivation is rooted in self-esteem—the development of which, just as with other skills, takes practice. And that practice, as with other forms of it, must be carefully structured. Think of self-esteem as a four-legged chair. Imagine you’re sitting on it right now and looking in the mirror. Do you respect the person you see? Is it someone you really want to be? Are you doing what you want to personally and professionally? Are you going where you want to go? Are you in charge of your life? An unhesitating “yes” to a majority of these questions suggests your self-esteem is in good shape. Negative answers indicate you should watch and listen with particular attention.
First, We All Need a Sense of Belonging
Returning to the image of the chair, the first leg of self-esteem is a sense of belonging. We all have a deep-rooted need to feel we’re a part of something larger than ourselves. This need, which psychologists call an affiliation drive, encompasses people, places, and possessions. Our instinct for belonging—for being wanted, accepted, enjoyed, and loved by close ones—is extremely powerful. It explains the bond of an extended family, friends, and teammates. It also explains why some adolescents join gangs. They want to belong, even if it’s wrong.
Children should be proud of their family heritage in a home where they feel safe, loved, and welcome. Home also should be a place where children want to bring their friends, rather than a place they want to leave as soon as possible. This applies to your adult professional life as well, in whatever organizational structure you find yourself.
Second, a Sense of Individual Identity
The second leg, which complements the sense of belonging, is a sense of individual identity. No human being is exactly like another, not even an identical twin. We are all unique combinations of talents and traits that never existed before and will never exist again in quite the same package. Leaders stand out particularly for knowing who they are, having confidence in what they believe, and feeling respect for their present lives as well as for their potential. Children should be observed as they grow and play—their learning styles, what they love to do in their free time, and discovery of their unique positive talents so these can be nurtured into skills. Report cards don’t necessarily measure talents. They often are a measure only of discipline, memory, and attention span. Companies also are moving away from check-off list performance reviews for a particular job description, to observe what team members are contributing to the success of the organization.
Third, a Sense of Worthiness
The third leg of self-esteem is a sense of worthiness, the feeling that I’m glad I’m me, with my genes and background, my body, my unique thoughts. Even if others make you feel you belong, even if others praise you, you won’t feel very worthy if you violate your own values. (This isn’t limited to individuals. One of the basic missions of top multi-national corporations is nourishing a sense of worth through improved quality and excellence.)
Without our own approval, we have little to offer. If we don’t feel worth loving, it’s hard to believe that others love us; instead, we tend to see those others as appraisers or judges of our value. People who feel undeserving of love because their self-esteem is marginal easily hurt those who do love them. Insecurity generates the jealousy, excessive possessiveness, and compulsion to turn trifles into tragedies that often ruin caring relationships.
If you were lucky enough to have parents who taught you the importance of responsibility, honesty, initiative, courage, faith, self-control, and most of all, love, please remember to say a frequent prayer of thanks. Many of us were less fortunate—but we can still build our own values by asking ourselves the right questions. Are the trappings of your lifestyle more important to you than your inner values? Is making a good impression more important than being true to yourself? Do you constantly feel you must prove your worth with outer achievements? Do you feel guilty when you’re praised or when you indulge yourself in some selfish pleasure?
A sense of belonging, identity, and worthiness can only be rooted in intrinsic core values as opposed to outer, often material, motivation. Without them, we depend on others constantly to fill our leaking reserves of self-esteem—but also tend to suspect others of ulterior motives. Unable to accept or reject others’ opinions for what they’re worth, we are defensive about criticism and paranoid about praise—and no amount of praise can replace the missing qualities. A healthy sense of belonging, identity, and worthiness is also essential to belief in your dreams. It is most essential during difficult times, when you have only a dream to hang on to.
The Fourth Leg: A Sense of Control and Competence
Early in my career in motivational psychology, I thought the chair of self-esteem balanced firmly on those three legs, especially since they involved intrinsic core values. It took much time and research to realize that a fourth leg—one of the most important—was missing.
There are many reasons why few individuals currently in high school and college believe they were born to win. The supportive extended family—in many cases, even the nuclear family—is disappearing. Role models are increasingly unhealthy. The commercial media bombards young senses ever more insistently with crime, hedonism, and other unhealthy forms of escape. But whatever the explanation, constructive leaders cannot emerge and develop without the creative imagination that serves them like fuel—which is why the apprehension, frustration, and hesitation I see and hear among a significant number of our younger generation is cause for concern. At the moment, the future they imagine will help drive neither happiness nor success.
The chair’s fourth leg is self-efficacy, a functional belief in your ability to control what happens to you in a changing, uncertain world. A sense of worthiness may give you the emotional means to venture, but you need self-efficacy, the sense of competence and control, to believe you can succeed. And that belief can’t develop without confidence that you can make a difference.
Self-efficacy is essentially confidence in your personal power—not the power to control or dominate others, but power in the richly creative sense of self-empowerment: of being able to do successfully what you set out to do. With a sense of self-efficacy in place, mind and body join in the journey toward the goal as an inventor, artist, executive, teacher, nurturing parent, or young student.
In theory, once a goal is attained it no longer serves the same purpose. An entrepreneur who has found investors willing to advance sufficient capital to launch a new business doesn’t keep looking for venture capital. However, self-efficacy is an exception. Empowering you to strive for your goals, it also continues motivating you after you’ve reached the initial objectives.
That’s why it is so important to assign responsibility for outcomes to the people involved. The more success they experience, the stronger their confidence grows—and the more responsibility they want to assume. In an increasingly competitive global marketplace, each member of the workforce simply must believe that he or she is a team leader, a “quality individual” who expresses that quality in excellent production and service. With increasing pressures on profit and the need to do more with fewer workers, it’s essential to raise the value of the employees’ stock in themselves.
That’s also why it is very important to assign small tasks to your children as early as possible so they can learn that their choices and efforts result in consequences and successes. The more success they experience, the stronger their confidence grows—and the more responsibility they want to assume. Children growing up, regardless of parents’ income, should be given specific household chores and duties they can accomplish and be proud of. Each of us needs to learn that problems and setbacks are just temporary inconveniences and learning experiences. The idea that setbacks are not failures, but course corrections, needs to be constantly reinforced.
Armed with a view of failure as a learning experience, children can develop an early eagerness for new challenges and will be less afraid to try new skills. Although they appreciate compliments, they benefit most from their own belief that they are making a valuable contribution to life, according to their own internal standards.
Children learn what they live and live what they learn. And so do we, their adult role models.
Question: Do you have a tendency to complete projects, solve problems, take actions that others should do, but bring to you instead?
Action: When someone in your family or organization asks you to solve a problem for them, first ask them what they think should be done, and then help coach them to follow through.
The following are examples of what we refer to as characteristics of low self-esteem and high self-esteem. As you read them, check your own responses as they apply to you: